Monday, July 20, 2009

The Haggard Mommy's guide to going out

"Much like the vampire, the haggard mommy goes out at night. Only then can her bloodshot eyes be taken for tequila touched."
- The infamous words of the Gonzo Mama, Christina-Marie. Yes we like to go out. It offers us a moment to calibrate our pulses to someone other than the naked Energizer bunny jumping on the couch after a Hershey's kiss. Yes, we go out late. When else could we ease into a crowd? As Dane Cook said it,"Children are just like really small, hammered people".So why not go to a bar? It's what we know...Just a larger version.

There is a time in most mommy's lives ( I think it's around the time their children turn three) that they realize the cocoon of monosyllabic conversations cannot sustain us in the way that it used to. This would be about the same time that wearing sweatpants on a daily basis just doesn't do it anymore. So you say,"I'm going out! My husband will watch the little ones and I have the itch!"

But now that we are mothers and over the last few years, our circumstances have changed. I know for myself that I can't just binge on booze and a pharmacopoeia all night long, save the five minute "booze snooze"( as the dear Gonzo Mama puts it so eloquently) and press on for a full day of work in the same bra. Hell, now I can't even bare to look at the same shoes for at least a month afterward.
For those of my particular species, there is a more sensible approach: preparation. Breasts need to be plastered into place with duct tape and any other helpful adhesive. What was once just a pinch of makeup is now a pound, shellacking my face into an upright and wrinkle-free position that would put Joan Rivers to shame. Not to mention the contours of the rest that require a bit more...contouring. After having survived a few of these wild night recently, I can now offer a few simple suggestions that might shed some light on the rare opportunities, lest my pain vanish in vain.
For twenty year olds, they hear there is a party, and they are there in five minutes. For the ol' gals, if you don't tell us days in advance, we just won't go.So well will start there.
One day prior.
1) The heel check- figure out what shoes you are going to wear on the town. This will always be step one, even before the babysitter has been called, this is the first move. The outfit will come together later. Remember; you can't build a house starting at the top. Start with the footing. Once you have found your heels (and I say heels, because anything else, like flip-flops or Converse require no prep) slip them on to do a few things around the house in the morning. Comfy? No? Deal with it, I'll fix it tomorrow.
2) Drink water- don't get all cankly ( where the ankles and calves join in retention bliss) by not drinking water, and no- Diet Pepsi and coffee don't count.
3)Facial- appreciate yourself, and it will make you going out that much more special!
4) Get some freaking sleep, lord knows you'll need it.

The morning of.
1)Take a bath. I know, you might have to clean the Go! Diego Go! toys out and wash the ring off the tub, but it's totally worth it. I think the last bath I had was on my wedding day. I had ten missed calls and was almost late for it, but I really needed it. And shave for heavens sake! You might be from head-to-toe in denim (tsk-tsk for shame) but at least you will feel soft and feminine.
2) Pick your outfit out and the backup purse. Once you get the outfit, get the purse. The purse should only be used in emergencies. If you wield cash and only have your ID then there is no need for a purse, unless you don't have an anchor woman, of which I will get to soon.

The evening of.
1) Stick 'em up- Adhere anything that it sagging or drooping enough to make you feel uncomfortable. When bartending, I relied on a bit of duct tape every night to keep me from any 'quad-boob' incidents.
2) Pre-heel prep- Remember those shoes that were threatening to bite your feet yesterday? The one's that make you feel like a goddess? An attractive, pained Goddess? You see the little red marks they left from just a measly half-an hour? Good. Now get some clear fingernail polish and paint the hell out of them. This isn't a Picasso, this is a rental wall, so give it a few coats and move on.
3)Tone- once, way back in the day, before the introduction of men, we had muscles, and they were rippling. Now we have rippling, it's just elsewhere. So if you do a few crunches and push ups, at least the muscle tension you created will have you standing up a little straighter. I read a Pilates flyer once that said, "Lose ten pounds off your image in 20 minutes!" there trick; stand up straight. Duh. I could have charged you ten dollars for that lil' nugget.

Before you walk out that door.
1) Eat something! You are probably going to be drinking and if you have any kind of tolerance like me, you'll be sleeping by 11:00. So eat, maybe have a cup of coffee, or you could just have a glass of wine.
2) Prep the purse. Now I say this in case of no anchor woman. An anchorwoman is the one with the purse that has everyone's favorite shade of lip gloss, tampons and cell phones and sits quietly flirting while everyone else is cutting a rug or up on stage singing, "Come On, Eileen". If you do not have the luxury of these lovely lassies pack light, but with a few odd items. Dental floss/gum, cab number (if it's not in your phone already) and my favorite,"The Lighthouse" or other equivalent brochures with a fake phone number already written on it. I made the mistake of telling someone my real phone number by mistake once and still haven't lived it down. But back to "The Lighthouse". Any uber-religious print will work. It comes in quite useful when you have to pull the "I'm trying to be nice,having fun flirting, but it's SO not going to happen" card. Once you start proselytizing, most men usually run in horror. But if you smile and give them the word of god in the form of a hot-pink mini-book, I've found it's much more entertaining.
3) Plan for the unknown- think of the wildest thing ever. I mean EVER! What would you do? For me, I don't wear mascara, because if I'm going to jump off a bridge naked, I don't want to look like a freshly-crowned beauty queen when I get out of the water. And oddly enough, in certain company, I damned near go skinny dipping every time! Nothing like mental prep. You could have just skipped this whole story and just gone with mentally prepping yourself. But you didn't. So I thank you.

Now if you choose to use my words of wisdom, I hope they work. If not, oh well, at least the heart was in the right place. If you're just trolling for a piece of ass, as long as you're not picky, it shouldn't be impossible, but I got nothin' for you. Sorry. For those other gals, or guys in heels, good luck! So now, the preparation has been done, have fun! Enjoy your free night!