So, it's been a long two weeks. School got out and Magnolia is now working on the play 12 hours a week which also means that I am working on costumes at home and downtown about 35 hrs a week. Things have been a little rough. I went to a shrink for the first time. I had friends, but in the last couple days, it just seems that they have been fewer and strings have been strained. I was de-friended on Myspace and Facebook by one of them. I'm trying to accept this as a sign that I should worry less about socializing and more about the kiddos. It's amazing when you ride the wave on the friend train.
I am a new friend addict.New friendships are a wild and crazy trip. First it's so fun! Friends are wonderful! We have so much in common! Dear amazing friends that help with coping with an otherwise secluded existence in a place that still remains foreign to me. Then it becomes like an addiction. I can't get enough and I become totally involved in their lives. I need it like a drug! I spend less time loving on my children and more time texting (a topic that I will soon expand on) until two a clock in the morning. The garden gets neglected. The dogs are begging to play. The kids are watching more TV and reading to each other less. And then friends get busy which is an understandable situation. They have lives as well, totally normal lives. Don't get me wrong, they are wonderful people, but I just end up getting consumed by the thought of companionship and running them off. Then my own life is abandoned. The house is becoming more of a cesspool. One of my dogs ran away yesterday.The kids are filthy. I think I've finally hit the bottom of the friend barrel.
It happens to the best of us (at least I'm hoping, but I also accept that I might be a rare friend-o-phile). But then the loneliness that was tolerable beforehand is damn near painful. All you can think of is your still-have-that-new-friend-smell-friend. Then that new smell rubs off and, well, they are gone. It's inevitable. The rush is over and it takes time to move on from the disappointment.
I'm thinking about joining a group; Friends Anonymous. People leaning on each other, nervous about what people think about them, smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee and texting people,"wht r u doing?", "r u ok?" or "r u going to txt me?" with jittery anxiousness.
I bet at FA, there would be a woman, a kind and sweet, yet oddly cold woman. She's been there before. And not a s a leader. People would say hello and then we would go through the steps:
Admitting we can't help but be totally obsessive with friends.
Recognizing that the big friend in the sky can help.
Examining why you are that crazy friend that won't leave people alone.
Learning to live without going into a panic attack without gossip or juicy news.
Helping others overcome their need for other people's drama.
Well, maybe that would happen. Maybe it's just the addiction to other people's drama, and how exhilarating it is. Having an essentially even-keeled life, maybe I'm looking for a little spice. Or maybe it's just the thrill of watching a real life soap opera (not that my friends have a soap opera like drama in their lives, but it's not my life,so it's much more interesting than mine). Or being involved and feeling helpful. Whatever the case may be, it doesn't really help anyone by getting over involved.
So I am going to try to stop humping the friend leg like an undersexed dog. Most of them are completely sane and wonderful people, and a joy to be around to boot! Nevertheless, it's not healthy to suffocate them. And for some odd reason I always end up suffocating them. Hopefully, I'll start getting a little more emotionally independent. Baby step, that's all we can hope for.
I'm awfully sorry, that there aren't any chuckles or guffaws. I haven't wanted to write at all lately, so just hopping on this blog has been a challenge. Baby steps. I'll get funny sometime soon, I promise.