Sunday, December 13, 2009

Crappy Gift Survival Tips: With Video!

It’s that time again, folks! Are you ready? That glorious time in the year when people wake up at three o’clock in the morning so that they can save a little cash on gifts! For you! And not just any gifts, gifts given with love and joy and peace in this season of giving. Aunt Gladys hands you the gift for you- the first one she wrapped her sausage-like appendages around while fighting better trained soccer moms in the Macy’s aisle. He eye still droops from the elbow she took to defend your present from the covetous grasp of said soccer tramp. With gracious hands, you take the gift. For a little bit of show, you shake the box. She chuckles (but then again, she always chuckles) and leans in to watch you unwrap your joy and peace in a box.
You tear the paper. She holds her breath. You unfold the tissue paper.

Right now is when you need to have a reaction. Poor Aunt Gladys is still holding her breath, not for the opening of the gift, but for the reaction. Do it now. She’s getting blue. In the few seconds it takes to register what you need to do, a few different thoughts might pass through your brain. For example:

*What the hell am I going to do with a purple fish toilet seat cover?
*Who the hell thought is was acceptable to not only purchase, but proliferate the passing on of useless crap like this? Which one of my friends can I pass this crap onto tomorrow?
*Is Aunt Gladys still looking?

Here is the critical point in your evening. If you don’t speak or react soon, 9-1-1 will have to be called for poor old Aunt Gladys, ending the night feeling even more guilty. Reaction time is everything when dealt a lousy gift.

If it’s taken you too long you just slump your shoulders, cock your head to one side and say, “awww, you are just too much, thank you! I love it!” feigning awe in the blessings bestowed.

A quicker reaction might have you jumping up and saying, “Oh, my goodness! This is perfect for the office!” Affection for the giver usually usurps the overwhelming desire to ask for the receipt right there, and tact is your best ally when it comes to false niceties.

I’d suggest getting that face ready for disappointment right now. You might want to take a few “silent scream, tiny face” to adjust the muscles ahead of time.

Or, you could just laugh your face supple watching this.

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